This is the story of an ordinary girl, Lilian. Her journey. Her struggles. Her joys. Her dreams. Her longing for happy endings. Her weak moments and her ferocious comebacks.
CHAPTER ONE
08th March 2015: Her Birthday: The day she wished she was never born.
‘Did you ask for Mom’s permission to retire for the night?’ He blocked her way at their bedroom door after a long evening in the kitchen.
‘What?!’ her confused eyes met his steely glare. She knew another episode of inevitable violence was about to begin. But she was not breaking tonight. She would stand her ground.
‘Why should I take permission from anybody to go to MY bedroom?’
‘Mom and dad are the heads of this house. Haven’t you noticed me seeking my dad’s permission every time I leave the house? Likewise, you have to ask mom. Now, go.’
The last two words in his sentence were delivered with supreme command. And the second thing she hated the most, first being Chetan Bhagat’s novels, was being told what to do; being commanded.
‘I am not going anywhere. I am tired and I am going to sleep now. It’s quarter past eleven for Christ’s sake!’
She says firmly and takes a brave step to walk past him. His muscular arm on the bedroom doorframe now swung swiftly at her shoulder, harshly thrusting her out of the door.
‘I said, GO.’ He stared her down. His dusky, well-sculpted face now displaying dominance.
The rebellious little Tinkerbell woman in her head stirred from slumber. She half-yawned, half-laughed as she witnessed Lilian’s pathetic condition.
'Just punch him on the face, Lil.' She laughs, now lying flat on her stomach, resting the face on the back of her palms, one on the other.
'I would have, if he wasn’t my husband.' Lilian clenched her fists.
'Oh, just punch him. He’s just a husband, not God.' She laughs yet again, cupping her chin in her hands, her cute little horns holding up her halo.
‘Just let me inside, Joshua. I am dead tired. I just finished cooking and doing the dishes after serving fifty people. It’s my birthday for crying out loud and I didn’t even want a party.’
CHAPTER ONE
08th March 2015: Her Birthday: The day she wished she was never born.
‘Did you ask for Mom’s permission to retire for the night?’ He blocked her way at their bedroom door after a long evening in the kitchen.
‘What?!’ her confused eyes met his steely glare. She knew another episode of inevitable violence was about to begin. But she was not breaking tonight. She would stand her ground.
‘Why should I take permission from anybody to go to MY bedroom?’
‘Mom and dad are the heads of this house. Haven’t you noticed me seeking my dad’s permission every time I leave the house? Likewise, you have to ask mom. Now, go.’
The last two words in his sentence were delivered with supreme command. And the second thing she hated the most, first being Chetan Bhagat’s novels, was being told what to do; being commanded.
‘I am not going anywhere. I am tired and I am going to sleep now. It’s quarter past eleven for Christ’s sake!’
She says firmly and takes a brave step to walk past him. His muscular arm on the bedroom doorframe now swung swiftly at her shoulder, harshly thrusting her out of the door.
‘I said, GO.’ He stared her down. His dusky, well-sculpted face now displaying dominance.
The rebellious little Tinkerbell woman in her head stirred from slumber. She half-yawned, half-laughed as she witnessed Lilian’s pathetic condition.
'Just punch him on the face, Lil.' She laughs, now lying flat on her stomach, resting the face on the back of her palms, one on the other.
'I would have, if he wasn’t my husband.' Lilian clenched her fists.
'Oh, just punch him. He’s just a husband, not God.' She laughs yet again, cupping her chin in her hands, her cute little horns holding up her halo.
‘Just let me inside, Joshua. I am dead tired. I just finished cooking and doing the dishes after serving fifty people. It’s my birthday for crying out loud and I didn’t even want a party.’
‘You may sleep out on the road for all I care. But you’re not entering MY bedroom if you didn’t make my mother happy.’ He smirked.
His tall, muscular, gym trainer body was blocking 90% of the 900 millimeter door. She knew it was futile to argue with his thickhead and she had a long day ahead. He knew she was excited about this new project. It was her first resort project with an amazing client who gave her ultimate design liberty. She was to survey the 10 acres site tomorrow which was an hour’s ferry ride away. But she didn’t want to say the word ‘please’ tonight. She turned towards her mother-in-law’s bedroom and out of the corner of her eyes, she could see him moving away from the door towards their bed.
'To hell with his commands, just go for it, Lil.' Her alter ego now cheered her excitedly, punching her tiny fists in the air.
With an evil grin, Lilian turned around, broke into a run, dashed past him in lightning speed, grabbing the towel on the way, into the bathroom.
Heavy thuds were raining on the bathroom door. She was singing loudly, ignoring the commotion, like a queen. 'Am I going crazy?' She wondered. Tears streaming down, even before water strands landed on her already wet cheeks, she sang.
There’s a fire starting in my heart.
Reaching a fever pitch and it’s bringing me out the dark
‘You better open the door or you’re dead meat tonight.’ Joshua hollered.
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ‘head and sell me out and I’ll lay your ship bare
‘You think you are so smart? You will have to come out eventually, right?! Let’s see how long you can be in there.’
See how I leave with every piece of you
Don’t underestimate the things that I will do
There’s a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and its bringing me out the dark
As tears gushed out, the grief was uprooting from the pit of her stomach. She could feel her hollow insides being squeezed for more tears. Not today, please. She pleaded in her head. But she’d not let herself beg him tonight. I just want to sleep peacefully for one damn night. Her eyes shut tightly, she sat under running shower for minutes together.
' You are not going to sit at his feet tonight.' Her alter ego reprimanded her in her head. 'You are not going to submit yourself to his fetishes. He is not touching you tonight, Lil. I will fuckin’ kill him if he does. It’s your birthday, Lil!'
She lost track of time, sitting on the cold bathroom floor, head resting on the wall, water tracing her lean, dusky body. She stood up with determination and got dressed. Pressing an ear on the door, she tried to listen to gauge his current activity. There was complete silence but the bedroom lights were not out yet. She could sense that he was still awake. Like a predator waiting for his prey. Naked. On their desecrated marriage bed, carved of Padauk, the finest wood on the island, that her dad gifted them on their wedding.
'Why did you do this to me, Appa? I trusted you with the biggest decision of my life. Why did you give me away to a monster? I am scared of stepping out of the bathroom, Appa. I am scared of the things he does to me on the bed you gifted for us to be happy.'
Spreading the towel on the bathroom floor, she curled herself on it, gearing herself for an uncomfortable night ahead.
It was four in the morning. Stealthily, she unlatched the bathroom door and cautiously stepped inside the bedroom. Joshua’s heavy breathing could be heard over the ceiling fan’s hum and the realization that he’s asleep washed a fresh wave of relief over her. Dropping the towel in the laundry bag, she tiptoed her way out of the bedroom towards the kitchen, silently grabbing her phone from the night stand. Mentally preparing a time table for the day, she proceeded to begin cooking for six people’s breakfast and lunch. She has to finish the chores early today, so that she has time for some homework. She planned to Google extensively about resort design, for small talks with her client today as she cannot freak him out by disclosing the fact that she has never designed a resort before. Adele cooing inside her ears through her earphones, she finished cooking around seven and walked nonchalantly back towards the bedroom with a steaming mug of tea for Joshua. Her mind was so full of her hypothetical conversation with her client that she totally forgot the previous night’s episode.
As she entered, the mug slipped from her hand, spilling all over her, searing her skin, as she rushed to stop him. Her laptop was beyond her reach in his hands, up high in the air already. Before she could move any further, he swung it across the room, at the wall and they both watched it shatter mercilessly within nanoseconds.
‘NOOO’ she screamed and ran to pick up the pieces.
‘You monster! All my life’s work is in this laptop.’ She cried harder than ever. Her voice thickening with each sentence. ‘My parents bought this for me with their hard earned money.’ She was not a loud crier. But this broke her. She howled, more than she wept. It felt like the end of the world.
‘You need not work anymore.’ He says calmly looking down at her, staring her in the eye, with no remorse whatsoever.
‘Who are you to decide that?’ She screamed at him.
‘I am your HUSBAND.’ He screamed back, wagging a thick index finger at her, his tee-shirt tightening at his flexing bicep.
‘Did you give birth to me? Did you dream of my future? Did you pay for my studies working over time? Did you? DID YOU?’ Her voice now shrill and unbearable.
‘What’s happening here?’ Joshua’s mother entered, pushing the door wider. ‘What drama is she creating now?’ she asks Joshua, eyeing Lilian slumped on the floor with the remnants of her broken laptop.
‘I just asked her to stop working, mom.’ Joshua shrugged and sat himself on the chair near her worktop.
‘It has been three months since you both got married and you’re not pregnant yet.’ His mom hissed, walking towards Lilian. ‘Prioritize. Work is not important right now. First, give me a grandson, then you do whatever you want. You get that?’ she asks, leaning in to look into her eyes.
‘He broke my laptop.’ A feeble voice escaped her lips as she continued staring at her laptop like it was her baby. Dead baby. It was as though she lost her voice after all the screaming. Body drenched with sweat, her face wet with tears, her tired eyes slowly looked up at them both, one at a time.
‘It’s just a laptop. Get over it. Stop creating a scene now. Go get my blue sari and iron it quickly. I have to preach at Women’s Prayer Meeting at ten.’
